A Growth Story: A Year Worth Acknowledging
About a year ago I wrote an Instagram post about my unemployment. It was hard to write but it felt important at the time. I was unemployed by choice, but that didn't make it any easier. My mental health had been struggling for about 3 years at the point of the decision. I chose to leave a career that had been my only passion for a such a long time because I know longer knew how to take care of myself. The decision was made with support and urging from mental health professionals and those closet to me. The decision was made because I thought the root cause of my unstable mental health was the field of work that I'd chosen to go into.
Before I get into this post, it is extremely important that y'all understand something. Teaching is 1000% my passion. I have never doubted that I made the right choices when going to college and choosing this career path. This post has been really hard for me to write because I want it to be clear, that while teaching is a stressful career and while I needed a break, the other points in this story are what really drove my decision - I just didn't know it at the time.
At the time of the decision to take a year off from teaching, I had been at two schools. I taught in a very rural community in North Carolina. I taught Title 1 children who absolutely made my life brighter despite the challenges we faced together. Those children and that community gave me a home in a state that was hundreds of miles away from my family. That community also gave me some of the best friends that I have ever had. I left that school and community to advance my career and because it was apparent that my mental state was suffering - I thought it was because of the demands of the job. Title 1 schools are not for the weak. So I left to teach at a brand new school near Raleigh, NC. My students were an eclectic bunch that made my days full of pride and my heart so full of love. But my mental health was still suffering and it was only getting worse. I again blamed the demands of the job, thinking that being in a "well to do" area had put additional pressures on me. At this time, I decided that I needed to regroup and rethink what in the world I was doing with my life. So I left teaching to take a hiatus, and to potentially attending grad school.
From June to October, my mental health continued to suffer. It was slightly more bearable because I could sleep when I wanted to with school being out. I could take trips to see my friends. I could go to the beach. I could keep my mind busy, or burrow in my bed. I could also drink more than I like to admit. I was covering up my feelings with a million different things and refusing to acknowledge that I was still struggling. In fact, I was starting to struggle more because now I'd added the question of "what I am doing with my life" to the mix of overwhelming thoughts.
Come August/September, I had hit a new low. As I said, teaching is my passion and with the back to school season in full swing, my heart ached. I wanted to be going back into the classroom. I wanted to be surrounded by like-minded individuals. I wanted to have a group of children sitting in front of me, ready to take on the adventure of a new school year with me. I wanted the distraction of it all.
Without the buzz of the back to school season and without the freedom of my friends to hang out at any given point, I had no choice but to face the hard facts. My life was not where I wanted it to be. My mental health was already at a new low, but it wouldn't hit bottom for about another month. While I struggled to keep my thoughts on something, anything, positive, I realized that the job wasn't the root cause of all my problems. And taking time off wasn't going to fix anything.
I started boxing at the end of July/beginning of August. I walked into Title Boxing Club absolutely terrified. I was terrified that if I didn't do something soon, I would be in the same place mentally and emotionally that I had been a few years prior. I was was terrified that if I couldn't find a focus, couldn't find a purpose, couldn't find an outlet, I was going to break. I was also terrified of boxing. But I did it anyway. And I continued to show up despite all my doubts because I knew that something had to give.
The end of September was a disaster to say the least. I've written about it before, so I'm gonna stay away from the details in this post. But the end of September last year was when I officially hit bottom. And let me tell you something, if you think you've hit bottom, you aren't there yet. You will 100% know that you've hit bottom when you get there. But it's true what they say, once you hit bottom, there's no place to go but up.
That's what this past year has been about. It has been my journey "back up" from bottom. It has been a year of growth like no other year in my life. I had to let go of friendships and people that I thought were going to be in my life forever. I had to remove myself from toxic, codependent situations. I had to cut ties with communities and families that I had intertwined so far into my plans. I deleted messages and pictures. I unfollowed and unfriended. I stepped away from social media for a while. I took down the physical pictures and tucked the letters away. It was hard. It was messy. It was painful. It was so many negative things. But each time I took a step in the right direction, even with tears pouring down my face, I felt lighter.
The growing came not just from cutting out the negative, but from finding the positive to replace it with. So I buried myself in boxing and new friendships. I started reading personal development books. I got back into journaling - and I have kept a gratitude journal since doing Last 90 Days with Rachel and Dave Hollis last year. I ran a half marathon last November. I didn't tell more than 5 people that I was doing it, because I needed to do it for me. I didn't want a cheering section, I didn't want motivation from outside sources. I needed to know that I could fight for my own life when it came down to it.
Winter has never been a positive time in my life, but this year I refused to let myself sit with negative thoughts for too long. I set goals in the gym and crushed them. I planned to hang out with friends and followed through. I wrote every day in my gratitude journal. I started applying to jobs and became a PreK teacher for a few months. I reapplied to grad school and was accepted with scholarships! I started creating teacher resources and found my happiness again.
January in particular was really difficult because of some health struggles. But I kept going. And I made it through that month, learning that my body (in it's new healthy state) doesn't really love some of the foods that I put at the top of my list. So through yet another learning process, I have chosen to eat in a way that allows me to feel good.
Spring and summer were full of more growth, as I continued to learn to let go of things that did not suit the life I am after. I flattered a little and reached back out to someone who has no place in my life anymore. But I got back up, dusted myself off, and with the help of some really good friends, moved on once again. This time with a few less tears.
Every day is a new day, a new chance for me to prove to myself that I am worth it. I let so many people fight so many different battles for me at different points in my life. In doing that, I gave up control of my life and handed the reigns to someone else. Not anymore, not this time. This time, I'm gonna keep fighting for myself.
Before I get into this post, it is extremely important that y'all understand something. Teaching is 1000% my passion. I have never doubted that I made the right choices when going to college and choosing this career path. This post has been really hard for me to write because I want it to be clear, that while teaching is a stressful career and while I needed a break, the other points in this story are what really drove my decision - I just didn't know it at the time.
At the time of the decision to take a year off from teaching, I had been at two schools. I taught in a very rural community in North Carolina. I taught Title 1 children who absolutely made my life brighter despite the challenges we faced together. Those children and that community gave me a home in a state that was hundreds of miles away from my family. That community also gave me some of the best friends that I have ever had. I left that school and community to advance my career and because it was apparent that my mental state was suffering - I thought it was because of the demands of the job. Title 1 schools are not for the weak. So I left to teach at a brand new school near Raleigh, NC. My students were an eclectic bunch that made my days full of pride and my heart so full of love. But my mental health was still suffering and it was only getting worse. I again blamed the demands of the job, thinking that being in a "well to do" area had put additional pressures on me. At this time, I decided that I needed to regroup and rethink what in the world I was doing with my life. So I left teaching to take a hiatus, and to potentially attending grad school.
From June to October, my mental health continued to suffer. It was slightly more bearable because I could sleep when I wanted to with school being out. I could take trips to see my friends. I could go to the beach. I could keep my mind busy, or burrow in my bed. I could also drink more than I like to admit. I was covering up my feelings with a million different things and refusing to acknowledge that I was still struggling. In fact, I was starting to struggle more because now I'd added the question of "what I am doing with my life" to the mix of overwhelming thoughts.
Come August/September, I had hit a new low. As I said, teaching is my passion and with the back to school season in full swing, my heart ached. I wanted to be going back into the classroom. I wanted to be surrounded by like-minded individuals. I wanted to have a group of children sitting in front of me, ready to take on the adventure of a new school year with me. I wanted the distraction of it all.
Without the buzz of the back to school season and without the freedom of my friends to hang out at any given point, I had no choice but to face the hard facts. My life was not where I wanted it to be. My mental health was already at a new low, but it wouldn't hit bottom for about another month. While I struggled to keep my thoughts on something, anything, positive, I realized that the job wasn't the root cause of all my problems. And taking time off wasn't going to fix anything.
I started boxing at the end of July/beginning of August. I walked into Title Boxing Club absolutely terrified. I was terrified that if I didn't do something soon, I would be in the same place mentally and emotionally that I had been a few years prior. I was was terrified that if I couldn't find a focus, couldn't find a purpose, couldn't find an outlet, I was going to break. I was also terrified of boxing. But I did it anyway. And I continued to show up despite all my doubts because I knew that something had to give.
The end of September was a disaster to say the least. I've written about it before, so I'm gonna stay away from the details in this post. But the end of September last year was when I officially hit bottom. And let me tell you something, if you think you've hit bottom, you aren't there yet. You will 100% know that you've hit bottom when you get there. But it's true what they say, once you hit bottom, there's no place to go but up.
That's what this past year has been about. It has been my journey "back up" from bottom. It has been a year of growth like no other year in my life. I had to let go of friendships and people that I thought were going to be in my life forever. I had to remove myself from toxic, codependent situations. I had to cut ties with communities and families that I had intertwined so far into my plans. I deleted messages and pictures. I unfollowed and unfriended. I stepped away from social media for a while. I took down the physical pictures and tucked the letters away. It was hard. It was messy. It was painful. It was so many negative things. But each time I took a step in the right direction, even with tears pouring down my face, I felt lighter.
The growing came not just from cutting out the negative, but from finding the positive to replace it with. So I buried myself in boxing and new friendships. I started reading personal development books. I got back into journaling - and I have kept a gratitude journal since doing Last 90 Days with Rachel and Dave Hollis last year. I ran a half marathon last November. I didn't tell more than 5 people that I was doing it, because I needed to do it for me. I didn't want a cheering section, I didn't want motivation from outside sources. I needed to know that I could fight for my own life when it came down to it.
Winter has never been a positive time in my life, but this year I refused to let myself sit with negative thoughts for too long. I set goals in the gym and crushed them. I planned to hang out with friends and followed through. I wrote every day in my gratitude journal. I started applying to jobs and became a PreK teacher for a few months. I reapplied to grad school and was accepted with scholarships! I started creating teacher resources and found my happiness again.
January in particular was really difficult because of some health struggles. But I kept going. And I made it through that month, learning that my body (in it's new healthy state) doesn't really love some of the foods that I put at the top of my list. So through yet another learning process, I have chosen to eat in a way that allows me to feel good.
Spring and summer were full of more growth, as I continued to learn to let go of things that did not suit the life I am after. I flattered a little and reached back out to someone who has no place in my life anymore. But I got back up, dusted myself off, and with the help of some really good friends, moved on once again. This time with a few less tears.
Every day is a new day, a new chance for me to prove to myself that I am worth it. I let so many people fight so many different battles for me at different points in my life. In doing that, I gave up control of my life and handed the reigns to someone else. Not anymore, not this time. This time, I'm gonna keep fighting for myself.
So stinking proud of you! Can't wait to read about your goals for this Last 90 Days ��
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