A Moving On Letter: Thank You for Letting Me Be a Part of Your Story

It's been quiet around these parts for a little while and I'm not sure what to say in regards to that. Except that I have been writing, just not publishing because sometimes the words flow easily but they share a little differently.

Those who don't know. I'm doing okay. And I read something this morning on Instagram that I want to share because it is incredibly important for you to understand who I am to my core.

"I observe the different thoughts and emotions going on inside of me and I'll verbalize all of them to someone and a lot of times, they'll start to get worried about me, when really I'm perfectly fine because I'm not allowing those thoughts to rule over me. It makes a lot of sense to me, but I can see how it would be confusing to someone else." - enneagramandcoffee

So this post is a letter that I wrote to an old friend, but really I wrote it for myself. Partly because that's how I process life and partly because I sometimes think of actually sending them. But despite all the feelings (and there are plenty of them), I'm beyond the forgiveness stage because I had to do that for myself 🤷🏻

Do you wanna know what sucks? I will always, ALWAYS love you. And do you wanna know why that sucks? Because I will always feel like I need your approval. I'm trying to push past it. I'm trying to learn that I can love you, but that I don't have to give you top priority in my life.

You were the greatest adventure of my life. You made me so happy. But that came at a cost. Because eventually I had to face the fact that you would never love me like I loved you. And over time some of the wounds have healed but some of them never will. You broke my heart. But I'm actually not here to write about that. 

I wanted to say thank you. With a thousand times sincerity. Thank you for being the best adventure. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Thank you for showing me that I am worth loving. Thank you for letting me be the shotgun rider in your life. Thank you for opening the world to me, a naive girl from New Jersey with limited life experiences. Thank you for forcing me out of my comfort zone. Thank you for everything. And I mean that. Thank you for indulging me in my stupid quirks. Thank you for taking me to the beach. For letting me cry until I couldn't breath. For picking up the shattered pieces of my broken life. For dealing with panic attacks and yelling and crying and screaming and silence. For making me laugh until I snort. For letting me sing anything and everything in the car. For dancing with me, all the kinds of dancing. Thank you for being you and for letting me be me, even if I didn't know who the hell I was. 

You may have destroyed my views of the world and of love and of matters of the heart. But damn if you didn't make me realize that I have to fight for myself in this world. You taught me that the only person who truly knows my story and my feelings and my experiences is me. I am the only person who can 100% be on my side 100% of the time. And that was eye opening. It doesn't mean that people love me any less. It just means that I needed to learn to trust my own self and to shut everyone out sometimes. 

Loving you tested the waters of a lot of my friendships. It tore my world apart. Loving you made my family relations rocky at best. Loving you was the hardest thing I have ever done because at some point I had to do it simply because I wanted to and because it felt right, not because I had the support of anyone else. 

I wanted to be hurt when I realized that we didn't have a future and trust me I was. But I wallowed in those emotions for too long and I let them fester inside of me. I never hated you. I wanted to. I tried so damn hard to hate you. But I never could. That doesn't mean you weren't an ass along the way. But despite those moments, I didn't hate you. 

September's a blur and I wish that it wasn't. I still don't know the events from that night. And I've tried to move past them. But I can't. My heart gets stuck there. I think that's when I truly let myself free from the shackles of your love. And it wasn't your fault. I had the key, I was just too scared to use it for so long. But I did and it was freeing and terrifying all at the same time. 

I never wanted this distance we had now but I think that it was really important to have anyway. I have learned to love myself again. Just like when you taught me to do that all those years ago. 

You were my best friend. And I will never regret that. You know secrets that I will never tell anyone else. You will always hold a place in my heart and I will probably always come back to you in my mind. I compare everyone to you -- the good and the bad. Because at the end of it all, I still love who you are at your core. And I like to believe that you did love me, somewhere along the line. 

I'm convinced we have different descriptions of the word love. And with different descriptions, you never end up together. But one day, I'll have that. And who knows who it will be with. Maybe someone I've already met or maybe someone else someday down the road. But I do know that I'm willing and ready to love again. I wasn't sure I ever would be. But here I am, not healed and not perfect, but ready to open myself up to it all again. 

I wish I could tell you about him. I wish I could hear your opinions of him, although I'm sure I already know some of them. I just wish I hadn't fucked it up this bad. I like to think that one day we could be friends. Maybe the kind we were once upon a time. I like to think that there's a future for us. 

Can I tell you about him anyway? 

He's smart and charming and a royal pain in my ass.... sound familiar? He's older though and I'm not sure what to do with that. It doesn't bother me like I thought it would. But I worry about what other people will say. My family is super open but SO stinking protective of me... unfortunately because of you. But he makes me so happy. He makes me laugh. He's not handsome in the traditional sense, it's something else about him. The thought of him makes me smile and lately I can't stop talking about him... it's scary too though. There's so much I don't know. And I know that's supposed to be okay. But you know better than anyone else that I don't do well with the unknown. I'm terrified that I'm already in over my head. 

I feel things differently than other people. Deeper or something. I'm not sure how to explain it. Then again, I don't think I ever had to with you. Ya know? That's kind of what sucks too. You just got it. We were so damn similar that I never felt out of place or like I needed to explain myself. I never got nervous around you. I was always able to be myself. So thank you for that too. For just being. Because you made me able to just be too. 

I don't want to say I have feelings for him... but there are feelings. And I don't know how to know if they're real or just the signs that I am ready to feel that way again. 

I feel like I can't explain it.  I wish I could because I need to be able to talk about it. I want to tell xxxxx but I don't exactly know how. And then there's xxxxx who will always, always, always listen and she will have my back no matter what I do but it's something more that I'm looking for. I want someone with an opinion, someone who thinks like me and about me and for me. I want your opinion because while I know it will be jaded, I know that it will also be honest instead of just what you think I wanna hear. 

So shit, thank you for that too. Thank you for not being afraid to hurt my feelings. Thank you for fighting with me. I mean it. Not everyone will do that.

I took names out of the one paragraph and replaced them with xxxxx as to not upset anyone. Although since writing this, those friends have heard it all and they've reacted exactly as I expected so there's that.